thesedaysgoby

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 09:33:35 GMT

Finding something thats not lost, or even findable isn't exactly the easiest thing. Finding yourself is much easier than people let on, but finding yourself and the path you're suppose to be on, is an entirely different case. I've always said that I have big hopes for myself. Mostly all I have ever wanted was just to feel like I belong and to be happy in all that I do. Simple actually. But finding the path to that finish is much harder than it seems. Happiness doesn't last forever.

Is it possible to be happy but want more for yourself and yet, at the same time, not be satisfied with your life? But what about not ever being satisfied? Are we doomed to never being happy? All I know is that I need to find a way to do all this stuff I want for myself. I found someone who makes me so happy and yet, they're a day away from me. I've never really had a relationship where I could actually just lay there with the person and just dream about life together while looking in to their eyes. The closest I get to that is about as close as I am to you while writing this.

I really need to get on with life and just take the leaps and jumps that I want. The first way that I can see, is to blurt out some secrets. Hopefully things will go the way I want them to. It's just that I feel so damn useless and I have nothing really to show for the last 21 years of my life. It depresses me that people who are much younger than me have achieved so much more in life.

The truth is, I haven't been this happy in a long time. Then at the same time, so scared. I'm not used to allowing myself to be happy. I usually close myself off to feeling anything even remotely fun, or happy. At least at this level. I'm taking a big risk opening myself up like this, but I really do feel its for the best. If its not, well then its just not. I have no control over other people, and I hardly have any control over myself.

Hello again Scottie, its nice to see a faint image of you.
Please allow yourself to be more bright.

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 11:07:32 GMT

Why is it, that everyone that you don't want are the only ones who want you? The opposite is true also. Everyone you want are the ones who don't want you. If you think about that for a second it makes sense. But then how in the hell does anyone actually find the one that is for them? To the just settle for less, because they get tired of being alone? If only things could be easily explained that way.

I really should be sleeping but something tells me I am not going to be any time soon. My status on iChat lately has been, "Lonely days and sleepless nights". Seems to be the only thing that I feel strongly lately. I'm begining to think that I've been going about life all wrong. I started thinking that when I woke up at 6 p.m. again for probably the 4th day in a row, maybe even more, I've lost track of days.

I realized that if I had graduated on time, and had gone to college at the same time everyone else had done from my original graduating class of 2005, I would be a junior in college already. Time really goes fast. Sometimes you just need to really stand back and reflect on everything around you and just see what you've had and how much things have changed over time. Its really amazing.

I really hate second guessing everything. I second guess the things I have done and even the things I have said. To myself and to others. I'm far too shy for my own good. I also need to let go of things. It's almost been 2 years since Kaitlyn died. It's been hard. I remember the months of constant tears. There's things that I will never forget. Especially the feelings. The smiles. The fun. I hope you're doing well up there. I'll be there soon enough, I hope you can wait.

It's been 9 years since I left my childhood behind. It's been 7 years since I left my teen years behind. One can only imagine how things will turn out for the future. I hope they will just as amazing as the last 20 have been. I will never forget. I hope you never forget me too. Maybe over time I can learn to let go and just be myself. I just hope that I don't turn out to be the exact person that I don't want to be. Only time will tell.

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 09:30:19 GMT

I hate being stuck between what I want and what I know I need to do. Earlier today I was writing about chasing after dreams. Now, while I still have them in mind and will chase after them in due time, I think I just might have to put them on hold. Nothing can ever be easy can it? Though I do have a tendency to say "Anything worth doing will be difficult". I hope that will hold true in my life.

I hate my generosity, mostly because it goes unnoticed. Though most good does. I always put myself last on the list of priorities. I know I shouldn't but I can't function any other way. I can't honestly decide if what I'm considering doing is a mistake or if it's what I should do. I have once said that fate is only determined up to certain points. You make the decision to go left or right. When you do, then it's decided until your next big decision. I have also even stated that you cant possibly know that the decision is wrong until you make it. And at that point you can turn around and make the other decision, assuming that it is the right one compared to the other one. But what if I can't really go back and change things? I think thats what scares me the most.

I need some sort of sign. I need to look deeply into my heart and go where it tells me to. Though this might take some time. It's never taken me to the wrong spot or so I think. I really need the answers or just to sit down with someone and have a serious conversation about life and where I feel I want to be, and how to get there. I also know that the only support I need from anyone, is my own. Sometimes I don't even have that.

For now I will just turn on my Mariah and listen to her heartfelt words about not giving in and to persevere through all kinds of hard times. Sometimes I think she's the only one who can really understand what is going on internally. If only I could become as successful as she has. Heres to dreams...

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 08:49:22 GMT

It always seems that when one thing bad happens, it all comes down at once. As things get increasingly stressful at home, and I suppose, which is also more depressing. Which by the way doesn't really seem to effect me in said way, but only once in a while. Anyway, I just tend to notice trends a lot. I'm not even completely sure as to why I am particularly apt to sensing things of that nature, but for some unforsaken reason, I am.

People change, things change, I get that. I just never really considered the people who would change would be the ones who actually did. Maybe I just had expectations on who I thought people to be, and now they are being reevaluated? Perhaps I am just growing up and learning how things in life really start to unfold before me. I would almost feel as if I should state that all people will let you down. But I guess its premature to make such a statement in the first place. Mostly for the fact that I don't agree with it in the first place.

But the most inherent fact is that I am indeed growing up. I guess I must get used to these harsh realities as they come in. Maybe the next time through I wont be so disappointed, or even blind sighted, as it may be. Reality hits you hard. Knocks you to your knees. You have 2 choices. Stand up and dust yourself off and continue on your path, or stay there on your knees. You just have to take a deep look inside of yourself and find out what kind of person you are.

I find it interesting that I have this tiny body. One that looks much younger than I am. And then I contain, inside, all this wisdom. I feel much older than I look, both mentally and physically sometimes. Yet, I'm scared about my own future. I really don't have all the answers, and most of the time I really don't pretend that I do. I really am just as lost as everyone else. I just look around and learn what I can from each and every experience. Then, I tell find a way to use that for my benefit. The magic lies within.

I need to keep my faith. Both within myself, and that things will get better. I have amazing people around me. So I know things will eventually. As long as I pick myself up off my knees...

Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down.

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 15:12:57 GMT

I can feel myself growing increasingly distant from everyone. And as I realize this it feels like there is nothing I can do to inhibit it. My loneliness waxes and wanes constantly, but lately it just seems to be going on a downward spiral towards nothingness. I suppose it has to do with all the problems I am currently facing at home and such. It's just right now, I feel so empty inside. I can't figure it out and I don't really understand why.

I've always heard that these years are suppose to be the best of my life. But, I really don't know. Maybe it all stems from me being bored with life. My soul feels trapped. I need to get out of here. I hate being insecure also, about myself and my abilities. I mean, who am I? I'm not all that special. But for some reason, people have always expected amazing things from me, and I have always felt it also. Like I'm meant to be something big. It's funny because I doubt that will actually ever happen. Like I said before, who am I? What makes me so special? Nothing.

I need friends in conjunction with the ones I have on the internet. I really think thats what causes me to be so lonely. Or maybe, it's the wanting to meet the people who are some of my best friends on here, knowing that it might never be possible. At least not right now. One of these days, if I ever get the money to do so, I'm going to visit each and every one of them. I kind of hate how the internet has become my only outlet from, well, basically anything.

Once again I have done absolutely nothing for an entire year. I asked to go visit RIT (Rochester Institute of Technology) when they're having an open house. But that's about as far as that has gone. I should probably get a job soon and help my family pay the bills. It's funny because I've always known I'd be doing that, at least at some point in my life. I mean, we were having trouble paying bills when my father had a job. Now we have nothing. Bill collectors call all day long, every day. They start at 8 am and don't quit until around probably 10 pm.

Some great life everyone has expected from me, isn't it? I hate having to live up to everyones bloated idea of who I am, and who I am suppose to be. I don't want what I have and I want what I can't have. I can't wait to see how the rest of this year is going to go. I just hope I'm not on the streets by Christmas. I'm considering selling my piano. It's taken me 16-17 years to get, though I would much rather have money, than it.

This shit always seems to happen around Christmas. I'm not even going to be asking for anything this year. I don't even want anything, really. Well, I do, but I don't need anything. It really makes me understand what is important in life though. I'm glad that I can look back at some point and say "I was happy" and "We had money once, and life was a little bit easier". It will be something nice to look back upon. This is how life goes, and I'm not completely ready for the ride. But I guess I have no choice.

Maybe I just feel distant because I'm too concerned with my own problems right now? I need to keep telling myself that "happiness is the ability to look past everything". Yeah, that will work. //scarcasm

Random Thoughts of a Disorganized Mind.

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 01:06:57 GMT

It was recently brought to my attention that I never write anything happy. I guess I just usually use this as an outlet for frustrations and to complain. While there are little things that make me angry and frustrated, there are also little things that make me the happiest person in the world. I never really need much to make me happy. In general I am happy most of the time. There are a few people who keep me afloat and on top of the world.

There are people who I talk to most days and these people I know are true friends. Even if we have out differences sometimes, I still love them with all my heart.

Isn't it weird how you can really dislike someone sometimes, and then others you really love them? Love is so amazing and so confusing. We love to love, and love to hate. We love to just do it. There is a fine line between hate and love. Especially if you can flop between it swiftly.

"When there's no getting over that rainbow, when my small list of dreams wont come true, I can take all the madness the world has to give, but I won't last a day without you."

People seem to get mad at me easily lately, or be let down by me. I don't know what is wrong with me. I cant think and nothing seems to be going right. The only time when things seem to be clear, is when I am alone in the night. Awake at 4 am in the darkness of solitude is when I seem to be able to find myself.

There are even some days that I feel like I am losing friends. Which i think is due to me not being able to think clearly. I wish people knew how much I really do love them. Even if they chose not to believe it.

Why am I always so fearful of taking that first step in a direction towards something that can potentially help me?

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 04:54:43 GMT

Isn't it extremely amazing, how, someone can seem to love you once, and then not give a flying fuck about you? No, it's amazing sometimes how people never realize how much you really care about them and how much you actually have done for them. When, perchance, you don't do something because you don't feel comfortable with the task, they get mad and use "not being a true friend" against you. But I don't see how if that person is a true friend, they can use me like that. You know I'm terribly sorry how everything has turned out. I'm sorry for everything that I had no control over. I'm sorry for the things that I did have control over.

Life only seems to become complicated when you're already happy beforehand. I guess when you already feel shitty, you don't have as far to fall. So it lessens the pain involved. But if you're happy and on top of the world, the fall is ever more greater. It's times like these that I start to believe those damn doctors that seem to think there is something seriously wrong with me. It's times like these that I feel increasingly bipolar. At the same time I welcome this feeling. It's an old friend, and allows me to write with such wonderful words and expressions that, when happy, never seem to come from these fingers. So, Thank you, I suppose. I found my voice again.

Back a while ago, there were all these scenarios that were going through my head. Things that never would have happened, and things that have. I'm thankful for what I have, and I am thankful for what I had.

People don't know their impact I guess. Maybe I don't even know mine, sometimes. It's nice to know i have the friends that I do that help me get through the things that I need help through. For that I thank you <3

Solitude

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 07:41:25 GMT

Being lonely is never fun.

Late at night is when I start to feel the most lonely.

For ever I've listened to girls say that all the good guys have someone. That must mean that I'm not good enough to have someone. Either that or I am also starting to believe that damn saying. I guess I'm just at that point in my life that I want to spend it with someone. I never really have all that much in my life. Its funny that I'm wirting all of this shit on here. I really dont know why actually. Maybe someone will read it and write something back. Maybe they wont. I tend to go with the latter of those senarios.

I just want for once, someone to feel the same way that I do. Someone who I like that likes me back. Someone who is good for me. And someone who treats me right. I'll probably never find them though. The thought of that kind of scares me and makes me wonder why I even try, especially on myspace. But I always hear these stories of how someone met on myspace and fell in love. I wish I could have the fairy tale romance. Or to just be happy for once.

Its not that i am terribly unhappy, or even unhappy with myself or my life. I just want someone to.. well to put it frankly.. to want me. Everyone seems to be having these great lives around me. I want that for myself so much.

Sun, 02 Sep 2007 03:56:39 GMT

We live in a society that regards skin color on nothing more than that. Skin. The owners of this skin are usually considered to be no different than anyone else of differing skin tones. Most of which I think people have become so incredibly programmed to be politically correct around others as to not offend. But to me that is more offending than to be straight out told that I am not liked because of how I look. I don't need your pity.

The problem is not that society regards skin color as nothing. The problem that I see, is that society misses the fact that after skin color, they look at other outward appearances to make judgment on. All emos cut. All goths worship the devil. Society doesn't even realize that they do it. They regard the skin color as something that is extremely bad to talk about, and then migrate towards something else to be utterly critical of. How about this society? Leave people alone, let them be who they are. Why do you feel so inclined to control people to be just like you are?

As myself being part of society, I am too subject to this ridicule. Thats Just some stuff that I've been thinking about lately. I'm sure more will come on this subject too. So look forward to that too.

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 00:41:53 GMT

I tend to question everything. Mostly because I am a dreamer. Today I figured something out. Being a dreamer and questioning things is not such a bad thing. Actually taking the time to open your eyes and take a look around, well that takes initiative. Not many people are willing to go against public perception and see the beauty in what is different.

I often ask myself what it is that causes people to gravitate towards being the same. Perhaps it has to do with having similarities in likenesses. Perhaps it has to do with society. Perhaps it has to do with fear. The last one seems to prove more interesting. For it encompasses primarily all three of the aforementioned thoughts.

Fear controls people. Whether it is internal or external.To some degree it even runs my life.

I'm not exactly sure where to go with this, so I will consider this a work in progress and probably go back to it in later entries. So look for it later.

Have a great day, always. Love n stuffs <3
Scott.

Tick Tock Goes The Clock.

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 08:56:10 GMT

Sometimes I really wonder how the hell I stay so skinny. I Just made and ate an entire salad with cheese. Then I wasn't full enough, so I decided to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. While eating that, I got a craving for chips. How the hell I stay thin is beyond me. Interesting. Anyway, I'm telling you this because of eating all of that I am completely awake. It happens to be extremely strange because around eight or nine o'clock I was ready to pass out. I was curled up in a ball next to the computer ready to do so. Now, I'm wide awake and its 4 am. Again. I seem to have an infatuation with this hour.

I hate being left alone completely at night sometimes. When I used to be in therapy I used to talk about how I was up all night on the computer. I'm sure they thought I wasn't doing anything but sitting there. But the thing is, I was never really alone. There was always someone who was a night owl with me. Now that school is starting again, and people are off at jobs too, I can't help but feeling so lost and alone. Although maybe this will be the wake up call that I really need to kick me in the ass and get me on my way.

I have so many ambitions. I love to learn. I hate how college is structured. I know I will never get in. My grades are minimal at best. Besides, I seem to learn more from people and teaching myself than I ever really did in school. Granted I never really spent much time in school. The time that I did, I learned to to learn. I learned how to teach myself. I know if I ever did get to college, I could totally do it. I would be dedicated and apply myself more than someone who is a recent graduate. I know what I want from life.

I laughed right after that last sentence left my brain and my fingertips. Do I really know know what I want from life? In the grand scheme of things, yes. In the present tense, absolutely not, and who does. Above all, I want to be happy in all that I do. I want to also be able to share my life, feelings, thoughts, and dreams with someone that I love. I guess in all honesty all I really want from life is to learn new things and to be loved and to love. Simple really. I guess I'm a simple person.

I would want nothing more than just to live happily with someone. Id rather have that than fame, glamour and fortune. Either combined or separate. To me all the riches in this world could never fill the void that someone else's love can do. Nothing more in life can make me me more happy than them just spending time with me. I guess In reality I have right now what I ask for. Though it might not be completely the way I had hoped for. I am fed. I am clothed. I am loved. I love.

Love tends to come in many different forms. Whether it be friend, platonic, unspoken true love or even spoken and devoted. I should be happy with all that I have. This much I know. Sometimes I need to just learn that one line that Sheryl Crow says "It's not getting what you want, it's wanting what you've got". I should be content with things. In some ways I really am. In others it just is not so. I get stuck on this incredibly insane idea that I need someone else to make me happy. I guess it stems from being left behind by people and leaving others behind in my life. Those were some of the hardest times in my life.

I have a few slight attachment issues. Something I need to work on in the future, I suppose. I wonder if they ever even think about me. About being young. About having fun. About being happy. We were all happy once. I wish I could go back to those days once in a while. The tragedy of time is that it continues to go on regardless of how long you wish you could hold on, look around and marvel at its complexity. Maybe that is also the beauty of time.

Have a great day always. Love n stuffs <3
Scottie

Late Nights Musings.

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 09:12:09 GMT

Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't really sleep at normal times. So far today its been amazing. Granted that it happens to only be 4 am. But its the simple things in my life that seem to make it so justly right and perfect. My life seems to have resorted to pleasure which only seems to come in the small ways. Take for instance the simple fact of just spending time with someone. This someone makes you feel so amazing. I don't know what is really there between us, though. Regardless, It still makes me happy. I love late night conversations. We should do them more often if it weren't for your mother. Talk to me about life and the way you think and feel at strange hours, and you win my heart. But I'm sure you already knew that you did by just being you.

All of this doesn't seem to come with out a price though. It's something that I need to learn to deal with and recognize. While I know that I will hurt from this eventually, I know that in the process of falling, I take people down with me. I know there's nothing I can do, but for some reason I can't help but think that it happens to be my fault. Mostly because it is. I shouldn't indulge people the way that I do. There is even more than a few people. I guess I do it because I need some sort of a backup plan in case I finally get turned down completely. It's so hard to not know what someone is really thinking. The fact is, I'd wait ages, If I could be with him. Tell me how we could make it work. Please.

I know I'm trusted, and even liked. Though sometimes it is hard for me to notice. Sometimes I do feel like I'm ignored. I guess thats because I am not able to see myself as others do. Maybe I am just chasing after something that I could never have and will never have, and I just happen to be too blind to see that. I'm not even completely sure of it all. All I know is that I can see this all come crashing down around me being powerless to stop it. I think sometimes I come on too strong, maybe I need to just back off and let things happen the way the should. That is, if this are suppose to happen.

I'm always busy telling people that love is so complicated that it should just work and you know when you know and all that sappy crap. But is it really like that, or is that something we all just tell ourselves to make it feel less of a blow to our hearts? I also know that anything worth doing in life will not be easy. Love should always be there but maybe sometimes you have to work at it? I always tell myself that I want a fairy tale romance. Those are the things of books and movies, not really for the life of me.

I hate the fact that I know I'm in the worst possible situation and someone will get hurt. Honestly, I know people are getting hurt. I'm sorry I'm not the person that everyone thinks me to be. I'm sorry for making it seem like I cared at a more deeper level. While I do love everyone, it's not always the way that I make it seem. Yes, I care about everyone and wish them the best, I cant help but think that when doing that its like I'm leading someone on. Maybe I need to sit down with people and tell them that while I do care, I just have someone else in mind? I don't know if I have the strength inside to muster up to do what is required. To me, it's the not knowing that ends up hurting me the most. Which is the exact reason I feel like I am leading other people on. And even if I ended up with one of them, another one would get hurt, and so on. It's a wonderful hole I've dug for my grave. I just hope I am good and dead before I collapse and fall in.

I hate my good nature sometimes. It's what gets me in to trouble.
I love how i can tell you anything and not be scared to talk about it.
Do you feel the same way? I guess I will never know.
Sometimes I wish you would just let loose and just tell me everything.
I don't know what I expect to hear, but I want to be the one to listen.

Love was surely made for fools like me.

Have a good day always. Love n stuffs <3
Scott.

Yay for new Posts :D

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 13:51:08 GMT

Yay for first posts. Okay, so it's not really my first post considering that I have had a Lj before. Only, I can't remember what the login was. I swear I must have so many dead accounts that end up adding to the random pages on the internet. I have a dead account on here, I almost had one on deviantArt (dA) and a plethora of others. If you want to see my half dead account on dA click here. I should revitalize that and start posting again but I am worried about people stealing my art and passing it off as theirs. Myspace is covered with stuff from dA and people blatantly steal stuff and post it as theirs on dA anyway. I'll figure something out. All Joking aside, I've been told for a long time to actually start back up with one of these. Mostly because I always have things to say, and I suppose that people love to read what's going on inside my head (even though there isn't much that goes on =P).

Anyway, It's strange the more technology becomes so advanced, the more I seem to be drawn to the more analog mediums and old ways of doing things. Maybe I should just get out a pen and paper to write my feelings down? Hmm. But I noticed it the other night. I am fascinated by old analog technology. Like rotary phones and old phonographs. Something that is so simple about them makes them so unique and so unsimplified that I cant help but be intrigued by them. Mechanics of the old seems to be more of an interest than the digital of the new. To me anyway. You could say I'm old fashioned I suppose.

Being that this is the first post, I really have nothing more to say then that. Hopefully I wont forget about this account like I end up doing with all the others. But thanks to this nifty little offline Lj thing called Xjournal, I wont have to remember the login. So far it seems nice. I've only had it maybe a half hour and it seems easy to use. Everything is pretty much straight forward. The only thing is It doesn't allow posting of images directly from the application itself. I had to go through livejournal.com to post a userpic. Which totally didn't work the first time, anyway. (not even sure it has worked at all). I will probably Have an update on this little piece of software in the near future after I have had time to actually use it. As I keep typing away and playing around with it; I am soon noticing things that should be included in it. (such as: theme editing, picture uploads, HTML tools, edits to previous posts...) But that comes in later posts.

Always have a great day. Love n stuffs <3
Scottie.