Being lonely is never fun.

Late at night is when I start to feel the most lonely.

For ever I've listened to girls say that all the good guys have someone. That must mean that I'm not good enough to have someone. Either that or I am also starting to believe that damn saying. I guess I'm just at that point in my life that I want to spend it with someone. I never really have all that much in my life. Its funny that I'm wirting all of this shit on here. I really dont know why actually. Maybe someone will read it and write something back. Maybe they wont. I tend to go with the latter of those senarios.

I just want for once, someone to feel the same way that I do. Someone who I like that likes me back. Someone who is good for me. And someone who treats me right. I'll probably never find them though. The thought of that kind of scares me and makes me wonder why I even try, especially on myspace. But I always hear these stories of how someone met on myspace and fell in love. I wish I could have the fairy tale romance. Or to just be happy for once.

Its not that i am terribly unhappy, or even unhappy with myself or my life. I just want someone to.. well to put it frankly.. to want me. Everyone seems to be having these great lives around me. I want that for myself so much.

We live in a society that regards skin color on nothing more than that. Skin. The owners of this skin are usually considered to be no different than anyone else of differing skin tones. Most of which I think people have become so incredibly programmed to be politically correct around others as to not offend. But to me that is more offending than to be straight out told that I am not liked because of how I look. I don't need your pity.

The problem is not that society regards skin color as nothing. The problem that I see, is that society misses the fact that after skin color, they look at other outward appearances to make judgment on. All emos cut. All goths worship the devil. Society doesn't even realize that they do it. They regard the skin color as something that is extremely bad to talk about, and then migrate towards something else to be utterly critical of. How about this society? Leave people alone, let them be who they are. Why do you feel so inclined to control people to be just like you are?

As myself being part of society, I am too subject to this ridicule. Thats Just some stuff that I've been thinking about lately. I'm sure more will come on this subject too. So look forward to that too.

I tend to question everything. Mostly because I am a dreamer. Today I figured something out. Being a dreamer and questioning things is not such a bad thing. Actually taking the time to open your eyes and take a look around, well that takes initiative. Not many people are willing to go against public perception and see the beauty in what is different.

I often ask myself what it is that causes people to gravitate towards being the same. Perhaps it has to do with having similarities in likenesses. Perhaps it has to do with society. Perhaps it has to do with fear. The last one seems to prove more interesting. For it encompasses primarily all three of the aforementioned thoughts.

Fear controls people. Whether it is internal or external.To some degree it even runs my life.

I'm not exactly sure where to go with this, so I will consider this a work in progress and probably go back to it in later entries. So look for it later.

Have a great day, always. Love n stuffs <3
Scott.

Sometimes I really wonder how the hell I stay so skinny. I Just made and ate an entire salad with cheese. Then I wasn't full enough, so I decided to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. While eating that, I got a craving for chips. How the hell I stay thin is beyond me. Interesting. Anyway, I'm telling you this because of eating all of that I am completely awake. It happens to be extremely strange because around eight or nine o'clock I was ready to pass out. I was curled up in a ball next to the computer ready to do so. Now, I'm wide awake and its 4 am. Again. I seem to have an infatuation with this hour.

I hate being left alone completely at night sometimes. When I used to be in therapy I used to talk about how I was up all night on the computer. I'm sure they thought I wasn't doing anything but sitting there. But the thing is, I was never really alone. There was always someone who was a night owl with me. Now that school is starting again, and people are off at jobs too, I can't help but feeling so lost and alone. Although maybe this will be the wake up call that I really need to kick me in the ass and get me on my way.

I have so many ambitions. I love to learn. I hate how college is structured. I know I will never get in. My grades are minimal at best. Besides, I seem to learn more from people and teaching myself than I ever really did in school. Granted I never really spent much time in school. The time that I did, I learned to to learn. I learned how to teach myself. I know if I ever did get to college, I could totally do it. I would be dedicated and apply myself more than someone who is a recent graduate. I know what I want from life.

I laughed right after that last sentence left my brain and my fingertips. Do I really know know what I want from life? In the grand scheme of things, yes. In the present tense, absolutely not, and who does. Above all, I want to be happy in all that I do. I want to also be able to share my life, feelings, thoughts, and dreams with someone that I love. I guess in all honesty all I really want from life is to learn new things and to be loved and to love. Simple really. I guess I'm a simple person.

I would want nothing more than just to live happily with someone. Id rather have that than fame, glamour and fortune. Either combined or separate. To me all the riches in this world could never fill the void that someone else's love can do. Nothing more in life can make me me more happy than them just spending time with me. I guess In reality I have right now what I ask for. Though it might not be completely the way I had hoped for. I am fed. I am clothed. I am loved. I love.

Love tends to come in many different forms. Whether it be friend, platonic, unspoken true love or even spoken and devoted. I should be happy with all that I have. This much I know. Sometimes I need to just learn that one line that Sheryl Crow says "It's not getting what you want, it's wanting what you've got". I should be content with things. In some ways I really am. In others it just is not so. I get stuck on this incredibly insane idea that I need someone else to make me happy. I guess it stems from being left behind by people and leaving others behind in my life. Those were some of the hardest times in my life.

I have a few slight attachment issues. Something I need to work on in the future, I suppose. I wonder if they ever even think about me. About being young. About having fun. About being happy. We were all happy once. I wish I could go back to those days once in a while. The tragedy of time is that it continues to go on regardless of how long you wish you could hold on, look around and marvel at its complexity. Maybe that is also the beauty of time.

Have a great day always. Love n stuffs <3
Scottie

Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't really sleep at normal times. So far today its been amazing. Granted that it happens to only be 4 am. But its the simple things in my life that seem to make it so justly right and perfect. My life seems to have resorted to pleasure which only seems to come in the small ways. Take for instance the simple fact of just spending time with someone. This someone makes you feel so amazing. I don't know what is really there between us, though. Regardless, It still makes me happy. I love late night conversations. We should do them more often if it weren't for your mother. Talk to me about life and the way you think and feel at strange hours, and you win my heart. But I'm sure you already knew that you did by just being you.

All of this doesn't seem to come with out a price though. It's something that I need to learn to deal with and recognize. While I know that I will hurt from this eventually, I know that in the process of falling, I take people down with me. I know there's nothing I can do, but for some reason I can't help but think that it happens to be my fault. Mostly because it is. I shouldn't indulge people the way that I do. There is even more than a few people. I guess I do it because I need some sort of a backup plan in case I finally get turned down completely. It's so hard to not know what someone is really thinking. The fact is, I'd wait ages, If I could be with him. Tell me how we could make it work. Please.

I know I'm trusted, and even liked. Though sometimes it is hard for me to notice. Sometimes I do feel like I'm ignored. I guess thats because I am not able to see myself as others do. Maybe I am just chasing after something that I could never have and will never have, and I just happen to be too blind to see that. I'm not even completely sure of it all. All I know is that I can see this all come crashing down around me being powerless to stop it. I think sometimes I come on too strong, maybe I need to just back off and let things happen the way the should. That is, if this are suppose to happen.

I'm always busy telling people that love is so complicated that it should just work and you know when you know and all that sappy crap. But is it really like that, or is that something we all just tell ourselves to make it feel less of a blow to our hearts? I also know that anything worth doing in life will not be easy. Love should always be there but maybe sometimes you have to work at it? I always tell myself that I want a fairy tale romance. Those are the things of books and movies, not really for the life of me.

I hate the fact that I know I'm in the worst possible situation and someone will get hurt. Honestly, I know people are getting hurt. I'm sorry I'm not the person that everyone thinks me to be. I'm sorry for making it seem like I cared at a more deeper level. While I do love everyone, it's not always the way that I make it seem. Yes, I care about everyone and wish them the best, I cant help but think that when doing that its like I'm leading someone on. Maybe I need to sit down with people and tell them that while I do care, I just have someone else in mind? I don't know if I have the strength inside to muster up to do what is required. To me, it's the not knowing that ends up hurting me the most. Which is the exact reason I feel like I am leading other people on. And even if I ended up with one of them, another one would get hurt, and so on. It's a wonderful hole I've dug for my grave. I just hope I am good and dead before I collapse and fall in.

I hate my good nature sometimes. It's what gets me in to trouble.
I love how i can tell you anything and not be scared to talk about it.
Do you feel the same way? I guess I will never know.
Sometimes I wish you would just let loose and just tell me everything.
I don't know what I expect to hear, but I want to be the one to listen.

Love was surely made for fools like me.

Have a good day always. Love n stuffs <3
Scott.

Yay for first posts. Okay, so it's not really my first post considering that I have had a Lj before. Only, I can't remember what the login was. I swear I must have so many dead accounts that end up adding to the random pages on the internet. I have a dead account on here, I almost had one on deviantArt (dA) and a plethora of others. If you want to see my half dead account on dA click here. I should revitalize that and start posting again but I am worried about people stealing my art and passing it off as theirs. Myspace is covered with stuff from dA and people blatantly steal stuff and post it as theirs on dA anyway. I'll figure something out. All Joking aside, I've been told for a long time to actually start back up with one of these. Mostly because I always have things to say, and I suppose that people love to read what's going on inside my head (even though there isn't much that goes on =P).

Anyway, It's strange the more technology becomes so advanced, the more I seem to be drawn to the more analog mediums and old ways of doing things. Maybe I should just get out a pen and paper to write my feelings down? Hmm. But I noticed it the other night. I am fascinated by old analog technology. Like rotary phones and old phonographs. Something that is so simple about them makes them so unique and so unsimplified that I cant help but be intrigued by them. Mechanics of the old seems to be more of an interest than the digital of the new. To me anyway. You could say I'm old fashioned I suppose.

Being that this is the first post, I really have nothing more to say then that. Hopefully I wont forget about this account like I end up doing with all the others. But thanks to this nifty little offline Lj thing called Xjournal, I wont have to remember the login. So far it seems nice. I've only had it maybe a half hour and it seems easy to use. Everything is pretty much straight forward. The only thing is It doesn't allow posting of images directly from the application itself. I had to go through livejournal.com to post a userpic. Which totally didn't work the first time, anyway. (not even sure it has worked at all). I will probably Have an update on this little piece of software in the near future after I have had time to actually use it. As I keep typing away and playing around with it; I am soon noticing things that should be included in it. (such as: theme editing, picture uploads, HTML tools, edits to previous posts...) But that comes in later posts.

Always have a great day. Love n stuffs <3
Scottie.